


Practical Applications of Metaphysical Internet Usage in Regards to Basic Philosophy

by Draconic



Category: Fate/EXTRA, Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms, Fate/stay night - All Media Types
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Humor, Misadventures with magecraft, Servant shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 18:35:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13277466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Draconic/pseuds/Draconic
Summary: Tamamo's Grand Order conversations strongly suggest that Ritsuka's Caster and Hakuno's Caster, while obviously the same heroic spirit, are different existences. A certain Titan confirms this when she says that Moon Servants can't project their bodies down onto the planet. What if this were not the case? Well, Tamamo is here to give a brief demonstration. Mikon!





	Practical Applications of Metaphysical Internet Usage in Regards to Basic Philosophy

"Is this thing on?" she asked, then looked at Doctor Roman. "How do I know if it's on? They weren't using these camera things where I come from."

"When that blue light stops flashing and just stays on, then it's ready." Romani said patiently. The device in question was a webcam and with it, Tamamo was about to make her first attempt at using magic through the Internet.

"So how does this work, anyway?"

"Well, if I've set the computer and the glyphs up properly, and trust me, I have, the wifi should now be set to send out signals outside our reality, instead of inside, specifically targeting a reality that corresponds to the memory I extracted from you.

"They'll get the signal there, and boom; you've got contact."

"Okay could you repeat that in English? Or Japanese? Japanese would be preferable."

"I don't speak Japanese." ("Anymore," he added under his breath.)

"Sure you can! Figure it out with sheer force of will!" she pumped a fist in the air, "If your head doesn't feel like it's exploding… you're not trying hard enough."

Why did she sound like she was promoting some sort of product there?

"Look, all that matters is that in a few seconds, the camera should start working, and a few moments after that, the broadcast should start, allowing your friends to find it.

"Oh, right, there's a very slight—like, in-the-quintillions-slight—chance that the transuniversal signal will go awry and tear a hole in the fabric of reality, which will destabilize the basic structure of the universe," he said, as seriously as he was capable of sounding, "and cause all of creation to collapse in on itself, annihilating our entire universe, and possibly several others, killing us all. Or it won't, but will possibly allow extradimensional horrors beyond sentient comprehension into our universe. At which time they will also destroy everything in existence."

Tamamo blinked.

"Rrright…" she said, looking back at the computer screen.

There was now a dialogue box open asking her if she wanted to turn on wifi.

Romani held his breath.  
Tamamo clicked the button.

Nothing happened. Doctor Roman breathed a sigh of re—Then, the air beside the desk was rent apart, as though a hole had appeared in the very fabric of the space time continuum.

" _JESUS MURPHY!_ " he screamed. Tamamo just looked at him bemusedly as Scáthach reached through her rift and retrieved her coffee thermos, which he had failed to notice when he was hyperfocused on drawing his glyphs properly.

Shaking with equal parts rage and terror—well, actually, probably closer to eighty-percent terror, five percent anger, and fifteen percent excessively sugary breakfast cereal that morning—Doctor Roman pointed at the Witch of Shadows.

" _What is wrong with you?!_ " he sputtered, "I thought the entire universe was collapsing!"

Still awaiting a response, Tamamo hid a grin underneath her hand. "I think that says more about your problems than hers," she said.

"Aye. If anything is wrong with me, it is that I seem to have forgotten my herbal draught. I should hope that I'm not growing forgetful. Yet that is all. Ye on the other 'and appear to be a paranoid and neurotic individual. I suggest ye see a psychologist." She ducked back through her portal.

" _I am a psychologist!_ " he shouted as the rift closed, Scáthach and her tea vanishing. "Not a licensed one," he griped petulantly, "but I have all the necessary skills."

"And none of the vitamins you need to complete your day!" added Tamamo, almost accusatorially. She was smiling, but she was also pointing at him rather dramatically. "That's right. I saw what you ate this morning."

The good doctor gave the fox-girl a weird look. What was wrong with Apple Jacks?

There was a sudden dinging sound from the computer and a window opened up, and moments later, a face appeared on the display.

"Okay, here goes," said an equally familiar voice—at least, familiar to _one_ of the room's occupants. "Who is this? How are you contacting us?"

" _Goshujin-sama!_ " Caster squealed ecstatically, immediately jumping out of her chair and hugging the screen. Or, she would have if it weren't a high definition hologram, and instead she just flew at the desk and clotheslined herself on it.

" _Mikon!_ That kinda hurt. Whatever," she said, "Hiii~"

She noted that at this point, he could likely only see her tail, so she waved it from side to side, then pushed herself back into her chair.

"Caster?! Caster, is that you?!" exclaimed Hakuno Kishinami. "Where have you been—er, I mean where are you?! You've been gone for two months!"

Caster didn't fail to notice that he was still wearing that ridiculous smiley faced t-shirt. The scarf was there too, but that part of his ensemble was actually growing on her.

"Two months? But I've been here for almost a year. Weird. What's happened since I left?"

"Not much. The Holy Grail War has really stagnated. The one consolation is that B.B. seems to think you're up to something and hasn't made any moves to attack, but aside from her, everyone's just gotten bored. Without B.B. stirring things up and without anyone being willing to go down into the Sakura Labyrinth, everything's just come to a grinding halt."

"Oh, good, so you haven't gotten hurt," she construed.

"Well, no. But Caster, where did you go, anyway? What's happening?"

"I'm glad you asked!" she smiled, changing her tone to something more dramatic, holding her hand out in front of her. "I am contacting you from across time and space! I am bridging the gap between universes! I am _literally_ in the future! Wait, no, I'm in the past. For you. Never mind. In this universe you'd probably be… what, three right now? Maybe four?

"In any case, you actually _aren't_ , because until my Master in this universe solves a certain problem, everyone here is dead. And by here, I mean the universe. And by dead, I mean that this building is the only thing that exists anywhere now.

"Everything else is whatever was surrounding the universe before the Big Bang, or something."

"What sorta bullshit is that?" spat Tohsaka, presumably from behind the other side of the holographic computer 'screen,' as though she thought that this was going to be yet another problem she'd be expected to solve. "What the hell is going on there?!"

"Don't ask me, I could barely understand any of that," said Hakuno. "Could you at least explain what you meant by that last part?"

"I'll handle this," said Doctor Roman.

"His name's Hakuno Kishinami," Caster whispered as he moved into view of the webcam. "Also, call him 'Goshujin-sama,' and I will harvest your liver.

"…riiight…

"Hello Mr. Kishinami, my name is Doctor Romani Archaman," he introduced himself as though he were recording an educational video, "and I'm going to attempt to explain our situation here.

"You see, some really crazy people who I am unfortunately well acquainted with decided they were going to destroy the universe. So they did. We're alive because of a powerful mystic code at the center of our headquarters. Probably. However, if we were to try and go outside, we could open the front door, and that is the edge of the universe.

"Ugh, I've heard you people use the word 'universe' more in the past five minutes than I have in my entire life!" said Erzsébet petulantly as she walked by.

"Yikes! What's _she_ doing there?!" Hakuno stammered.

"Oh, the usual;" drawled Tamamo, "acting like an annoying bitch, and being generally less self-aware than a potato."

"Ugh, I feel for you," Rin said through the computer. "Wait… she's still _here_ though."

"She is?" Tamamo poked her head into view of the webcam again, "That's weird. What about Gawain, or Karna?"

"Both here," confirmed Rin.

"Well, I suppose that could make sense, at least if we consider that I'm literally sharing a room with myself. Well, me and one ninth. And I've seen at least six different King Arthurs, and twice that number of people wearing her face."

"Wait, 'her'? I thought you were talking about—"

"King Arthur's a girl," Tamamo shrugged. "Who knew."

Hakuno stared blankly into his screen.

Slowly but surely, the smile fell away from her face. "Goshujin-sama, is everything alright?" She nonchalantly knocked Doctor Roman out of his chair ("Ack!") and sat back down.

"Yeah, just…thinking. And trying to figure out what the heck you mean by multiple King Arth—wait if she's a girl, how come she's still called 'King'? That makes no sense."

Doctor Roman suddenly got a powerful chill, as though the question he'd just heard had somehow existed before it had been uttered, simply waiting for someone to ask it. A violent tremor rocked the ground beneath them.

Tamamo managed to keep herself steady for the most part, and continued talking.

"What just happened? Caster, are you alright?"

"Gawd, I hope not," barked Suzuka Gozen from behind him.

"Goshujin-sama! Behind you, she's—"

"Don't worry. Apparently, without you around, nothing else can happen. Like I said, B.B. hasn't pulled any tricks. So Saber and the rest of the Black Council are pretty much safe as long as you aren't here and we—" he noticed Caster's ears flattening down against her head. "Caster? Uh…is everything alright?"

"Yes, Master, everything's fine," she said, Good Wife Powers kicking in. ("I feel so unwanted," she pouted a moment.)

"Oh, okay, if you say so," Hakuno shrugged, confirming that he hadn't heard what she had muttered under her breath. "Anyway, there was something you said a moment ago. About a bunch of people wearing another person's face?"

Romani staggered as the ground shuddered again.

"Mhm, there are."

"By which you mean their features are exactly the same? Like, down to their eyelashes?"

Tamamo put a finger to her lip, humming thoughtfully.

"Well, I wouldn't say that," she said when she answered a few minutes later. There are differences, but it's like a sonata; there's a theme and there are variations on that theme. But that theme stays the same."

She paused.

"I can make this clearer."

"Please don't bring them all out," Hakuno pleaded, "I don't want to irritate upwards of eighteen powerful women at the same time."

"Oh, don't worry, I'm not doing anything like that. I've got a picture of Blue Saber—That's what we call Arturia—"

"Who?"

"King Arthur."

"Oh."

She showed Hakuno a picture of a noble-looking young woman wearing armor over an elegant dress. She had blonde hair tied up in a tight braid on the back of her head. The dress had a detailed hem, and armored boots.

"For the sake of my personal sense of security," said Doctor Roman, "I'm, uh… not even going to ask how you managed to get a perfect full-body profile of her. Or why."

"What are you smoking?" Rin pushed her way in front of the webcam. "Sure, I guess more than one of the same hero can be summoned if your Grail is anything like ours. But even if that's the case, there's no reason two different people should look exactly the same. Are they at least related?"

"Not that I can tell."

Tamamo started by pointing out the notable features of Blue Saber.

"Watch the ahoge. That is extremely important. Because it's always there… _Always. There._ (Well except in Alter cases. And Jeanne when she's not Alter, but that's beside the point," she added very quickly under her breath.)

She described the rest of Blue Saber, and then moved on to her alternate counterparts.

"…Then you have Lion King… (Hakuno squinted at this. Was this Saber also Simba, or something?) …who's pretty much the same as regular Saber, except she has really shiny eyes, and uses an even shinier lance that somehow gave her massive tits. She also has an Alter form…"

Hakuno was sure that was it and that Tamamo had been exaggerating, but every time she finished with one, there was another. And another, and another.

"There's Saber of Red, who's a maniacal clone or something. And then there's the Red Saber, who's actually completely different. At first glance, she looks exactly the same as Blue Saber except for the color scheme, but there are a few differences: First, bust size. Much bigger. Second, longer eyelashes. Third, she styles the front of her hair differently. Fourth, she earnestly believes that all the other people with her face are her fan club. Fifth, the white part of her skirt is actually translucent and shows off her bare legs and panties—Blue wears pantaloons—while the back exposes pretty much everything including her ass like some sort of pervert—"

"—this from the woman who didn't break my fall in favor of positioning herself in such a way that my face would land in her boobs."

"Ehh, whatever. Also, you're not using the hot springs as your example?"

"Caster, there is a limit to the extent to which I'll talk about your perverted antics in front of new people. I like you a lot, but you crossed… I dunno, five lines and a whole wall of caution tape that evening."

"I'm sorry, Goshujin-sama. I promise, I won't do it again. Unless you ask me to. Or I really, really want to do it. Back on topic, I hate her, and want her to die. I get a similar vibe from her that I get from that damn wolf. Like if that Saber were also trying to steal you from me and start a reverse harem."

"I think I lost track of where you going with that around 'want her to die.' Also, you want too many people to die. I'll have to do something about that."

Doctor Roman grabbed a cup of water just so that he could do a spit take, which he performed spectacularly because as it turned out, he had accidentally poured vinegar into a cup and nearly swallowed it.

"Holy smokes, are you actually suggesting that you manage to keep this one out of trouble?" he said. He then proceeded to wipe his tongue vigorously on his sleeve.

"Not at all, but I try. She's kind of like a genie; you tell her to do something—or to not do something—and she immediately starts coming up with loopholes to get away with doing it wrong. Or doing it anyway. She was the one peeping on the boys side on the obligatory hot spring floor."

Doctor Roman blinked. Then he shifted his chair just a few inches away from the fox girl.

"I thought I heard someone mention the Red Saber," said a voice positively dripping with so much regality that Tamamo could practically hear a rose-red river of pride flowing down the hall.

"Oh dear," Tamamo groaned.

"I didn't realize that the two of you were admirers as well."

"Admire a Roman Emperor?—oh, God forbid," Doctor Roman said hastily.

"…what he said," Tamamo added.

"No need to be bashful. There is plenty of me to go around.

"Where's the return desk?" asked Tamamo.

Why else would you call yourself a Roman if you did not admire Rome?"

"I don't call myself a Roman, that's a nickname because my name's Romani."

"Is that the one you were just talking about? The messed up crazy one?"

Tamamo nodded. Slowly, as to not startle the beast.

Meanwhile, Nero apparently assumed that the boy in the holographic monitor meant the good kind of 'messed up crazy'.

"You there, plebeian! You may look upon me."

"I…uh…"

"You have now gazed upon the form of the Emperor, plebeian. Your life is now complete."

"Uh…"

"No need to thank me. I simply give the Roman citizens what they want. I love all my people," she spread her arms wide, "I can think of no reason why they shouldn't love me, me being the beautiful specimen of humanity that I am."

"I'm not…er… a Roman citizen."

"Nonsense! Any man, woman, or child whom I gaze upon becomes a Roman citizen."

"I'm pretty sure that's not how that works," said Rin off screen. "And which emperor are you anyway. _I'll_ be the judge of whether you gave the people of Rome what they wanted."

"Of course I did! I am Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, fourth Emperor of the great and eternal Roman Empire!"

Rin shoved Hakuno out of his chair and sat down as he hit the floor.

"Ow. What the heck was that for?"

Tohsaka ignored him and addressed the Emperor the same disdainful way she addressed most new people.

"News flash for ya, Nero C. Whatever; everyone hates you. You're known for being a deranged tyrant who burned down his own city on a whim. That's what people remember. When people think of Nero, they think of fire and death and misery and insanity. Also, the Roman Empire fell. Over a thousand years ago. After changing its defining religion to Christianity."

"Nero stared at Rin for a few moments, her eyes wide as though in shock. And then she started giggling. She had to put a hand on the desk to keep herself from falling onto the floor as she tried to keep herself from collapsing as her giggles intensified into raucous laughter.

"Is this the state of education in your era, that people are unaware that the majority of their culture is based on that of Rome? And Christianity? Rome becoming a Christian state?! That's less plausible than the people of Judah and Israel being universally accepted by the dominant culture!"

Unnoticed by everyone but Rin, Doctor Roman winced.

"This one's funny. I like her. Perhaps you can serve in my court?"

Rin couldn't decide to cringe or just look sympathetic. Poor, poor, brain-damaged Nero.

"Hey, Doctor, how far along would you say her lead poisoning's at?"

Doctor Roman poured another glass of water.

"Well… imagine this water, err…vinegar, I mean, is her mental stability."

He poured the vinegar onto the floor until the glass was about half empty, whistling in a steadily descending tone as he did so.

"Seems accurate," agreed Rin.

"Credit where it's due, she can actually be very clever when the situation calls for it. She had bad drinking water, not a bad education. A very good education in fact.

"Also," he sidled up to the microphone and snapped his fingers. Everything around him suddenly sounded muted, as though everything was being heard from five feet underwater. "I'm really…" he whispered something into the mic and Tohsaka grinned devilishly.

"And she doesn't know that she said that in front of the king of… oh, that is just too good."

"Actually, nobody knows about it, so I'd be much obliged if you didn't sell me out."

Tohsaka folded her arms across her chest, and gave the Doctor a half-hearted stink-eye.

"Fine. It won't be any fun, but fine."

"Thank you. I've lost the vast majority of my supernatural powers in this form anyway. Now, before anyone notices something's up I barely have enough mana to perform such spells anyway…" he snapped his fingers again, and the world went back to normal.

"…peating myself again, outta my chair! Stop interrupting my conversation with my husband!"

Tohsaka leaped out of the chair and whirled on Hakuno, positively aghast, her expression murderous, though he couldn't figure out why for the life of him.

"Husband?!" she shrieked.

"You do realize she's been calling me that for most of our time together, right? But more to the point, if we somehow _are_ married, then I have no recollection of anything of the event."

Behind Caster, yet another person joined the conversation.

"Pardon the intrusion, but I'll have to correct you, as I'm fairly certain the Jewish people actually _have_ been accepted by the dominant culture," someone added.

"Who are you, plebeian?"

The speaker sighed.

"The King of Israel."

"Which one? Are you of the Hasmonean line, perhaps?"

"No, I'm David, successor of Shaul, slayer of Galiat."

"I see…" said Nero, "I thought you'd be taller. Are you certain you aren't the man from Nazareth?"

David frowned.

"Does she not realize that the moniker 'King of the Jews' was an insult?" Rin asked despairingly. She resisted the violent urge to intimately introduce her face to her desk. Repeatedly. But she had the mental image fully formed, just in case.

"Why are you asking me?" asked Tamamo. "But knowing her, if she does, it would sound the same as if she didn't. Also, get out of Master's chair!"

"I was actually talking to the Doctor."

"Why are you asking _me_?" asked Doctor Roman. "I don't like being around scary people. Though, I think she _should_ …" He took another sip of water, remembering that it was vinegar too late to keep it out of his mouth, and spraying foul-smelling liquid all over the floor.

"Gah! Dammit!"

"Should I explain that I'm not who she thinks I am?" David asked.

"You probably shouldn't bother," said Tamamo. "Whoever you may or may not be, it won't sink in. Everything goes in through one ear and out through the other. And then it goes back in through the second ear and out through the first, as though you never even told her. I mean with me, I just ignore you, so at least you know where you stand, but she actually thinks she's listening, while in fact she's only hearing what she wants or is expecting to hear. If you want her to take anything in, it has to be something she read from a book of her own volition."

"You sound very similar actually, from a practical perspective at least—"

"One more word out of your mouth and you will die where you stand!" Tamamo snarled, mana radiating off her in angry red waves.

"Right. You're not similar at all. You're incredibly evil, and she's dangerously hyperactive. I can see that clearly now. But I have to ask," he said to Tohsaka, "is it true about the lead poisoning?"

"It's a leading theory about why so many Ancient Greek and Roman leaders seemed to follow a trend of going…well…batshit insane."

"I'll be honest, it makes one think."

Meanwhile, Caster's ears were twitching wildly as she grew increasingly aggravated.

"Okay, I think we've all learned a lot about ancient cultures," she grinned dangerously, " _now beat it, Harpo!_ "

"Who?" David asked. Tamamo didn't answer. If he didn't know who the Marx Brothers were, that was his loss. Instead, she addressed everyone in the room.

"That goes for all of you little pests! All I wanted was to have a nice chat with my darling husband, but you all hijacked my conversation! Hijacked I say! Now please excuse yourselves from the immediate premises, or I start hexing people."

"I'd do what she says," suggested Hakuno, "She's probably serious."

With sighs of disappointment, Nero and Erzsébet, who hadn't left, and in fact had been talking over each other the entire time, but were somewhat unfairly spared no attention by anyone else, both made themselves scarce. Moments later, David politely excused himself.

Doctor Roman and Tohsaka were both conspicuously still hovering however.

"Commencing _hex_ travaganza in five, four, three—"

"I can't leave this delicate array unsupervised. I told you what could happen, unlikely as it may be."

"Ugh… fine. But can't you make _her_ leave, Goshujin-sama?" she glared at Rin.

Hakuno shrugged.

"I think she might be useful to keep around just for a second opinion, just in case you make any suggestions that sound good in the moment but have glaring repercussions after the fact."

"Well… I suppose I might do something like that. Okay, she can stay. But she stays silent unless given speaking privileges."

The only answer Tamamo received for that was a long, but suspiciously odd glare from Tohsaka. For some reason, she felt as though she was somehow being mocked. She rolled her eyes.

Before they could get so much as a word in, Chaldea's P.A. system beeped and a voice came over it.

_"Greeting, Servants, residents of Chaldea, I am Emperor Nero Claudius and to the several people who I may have left a poor impression on, I would like to apologize. It occurs to me that I made an offensive remark. Not that I care about monotheistic nonsense, however the facts are thus: Not only do I already know that Rome became a Christian state, in my pride, I had allowed myself to live under the vainglorious delusion that Rome is today as it was in my time, to a certain extent. I wilfully forgot the facts on the subject, and then ridiculed you for explaining said facts. Truly shameful behavior."_

"And yet, she has literally none," sighed Doctor Roman. "Not a nanogram of shame in her entire body. Or if there is, I haven't seen it."

_"Thank you for your attention! That will be all."_

The P.A. clicked off, leaving much of the building in an awkward silence.

Doctor Roman, having nothing better to do, poured himself a glass of water, and the moment it got past his lips, he spat the mouthful of vinegar out.

"Gah! Why do I keep doing that?!" he yelped.

Tamamo ignored him.

"Goshujin-sama, before we continue, I just want to take a moment to fulfill a few of my obligations as your loving Servant. Are you eating correctly? You're following a balanced diet?"

"Uh…more or less, I think."

"Devil girl, is he telling the truth? You may answer."

Rin stared balefully through the monitor.

"I recommend that you never, ever be alone when you come back," she growled.

"Ohoho! As though you could do anything to hurt me," she returned Rin's glare with one of her own. "Don't be foolish, little girl."

Rin didn't answer. Was she trying to beat Caster at her own game?

"So I suppose I won't get any confirmation from her…

"Well, in that case, we'll just have to go with the honor system. You're sure nothing has happened?"

"Well, Shinji and Jinako have been fighting nonstop, but that's nothing new. Oh, and Saber's started trying to build ferris wheels anywhere they'll fit."

"Ew. How tacky. Her sense of style leaves everything to be desired."

Doctor Roman, thoroughly bored by the conversation now, refilled his glass of water, brought it to his lips and… _oh no_ , he was _not_ falling for that again. But he actually was kind of thirsty now and he couldn't leave. He had to supervise the delicate array. Fortunately, Shiki happened to be walking by the room. She drank water.

"Ryougi-san!" he shouted, scrambling for the door. "Miss Ryougi, hi, could I ask a small favor? I just need you to fetch me a bottle of water. Due to some hazardous circumstances, I'm not able to leave this room at the moment."

The woman sighed, but agreed.

"Actually, about those Sabers you mentioned earlier… Hakuno began to ask.

The ground shook again, more violently this time. This was another question that Doctor Roman felt was an existence all its own and must never be asked around temporal experiments.

Wait, they couldn't get earthquakes here. They weren't on a planet.

"Do you have any idea why they—"

"Don't finish that question!" he cried desperately, but it was too late.

"—all have the same face?" finished Hakuno.

Romani had just enough time to whisper, "Oh God," before the world tore itself open in front of them and for a moment, the entire digital world of the Moon Cell was available for them to escape into before Hakuno Kishinami and Rin Tohsaka were sucked through the hole. Oddly enough, her hair changed from black to blonde as she got sucked through the rift. Natural blonde in fact. Weird.

"Kishinami-san!" Leo shouted.

"Senpai!" cried Sakura.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" Doctor Roman wailed, "YOU JUST TORE A HOLE IN THE FABRIC OF REALITY! WE COULD ALL DISAPPEAR IN A GIGANTIC PUFF OF THEORETICAL PHYSICS ANY SECOND NOW!"

" _Goshujin-sama!_ " Tamamo leapt at her Master again, this time managing to hug him properly. She ignored Doctor Roman entirely as he descended into total hysteria.

"Gah! What's going on?!" Hakuno stammered.

"Quick, get back through the hole!" shouted Julius.

"Hurry, Senpai!" Sakura urged.

Tamamo grabbed her Master by the hand.

"No, I can't go back yet, so stay here with me! Pleasepleaseplease!" she spun her beloved Master around gleefully. "OH! I can introduce you to my 'sisters!' "

"You have sisters?" asked Tohsaka.

" _WHY ARE YOU ACTING SO CALM?!_ " Doctor Roman's voice was reaching a surprisingly high octave. It wouldn't be much longer before he sounded entirely feminine.

The edges of the hole sparked and crackled with some sort of unnatural energy. It was almost like electricity, but it wasn't, it didn't give off heat or charge the air around them. And it was not a color any of them were familiar with on the visible light spectrum. That part was just indescribable. You really had to be there.

"Well they're not sisters exactly. More like copies.

"GET THEM BACK INTO THEIR WORLD, QUICK!"

The image of the Harway brothers and Sakura began to swirl ominously.

The enormity of what had just transpired suddenly hit Tohsaka like a giant pie to the face.

"Wait, we just got sucked into an alternate reality? Just like that? With no repercussions?"

"Yes, you did. Now hurry back! This thing is going to close any second! Who knows what kind of damage could happen if you get stuck here. You might not even be able to survive in this universe!" Doctor Roman urged her.

"That's Second Magic! That should absolutely _not_ be possible! Wait, no, priorities. You have a point," she grabbed Hakuno by the collar. "Kishinami-kun, let's—"

—FSHWIP—

And the portal into the virtual world of SERAPH shut itself with a snap, the only connection left being the link between computers.

Tohsaka's face was twisted into a look of sheer stupefaction. Again, you really had to be there.

She wasn't alone. Doctor Roman, the Harways, and even Rani looked positively aghast, though her astonishment was still fairly subdued. Sakura on her part was on the verge of tears.

Shinji walked up, having finally decided to investigate the commotion.

"Hmm. Okay, I'll admit, this could be a problem."

Rin glared at him.

"Well, this is just great," Romani grumped.

"Isn't it!" Fox Caster and Wolf Saber both giggled, two completely different tones of voice, and two completely different reasons.

"SARCASM!" he roared with positively royal authority.

"Yeah, I know, just suck all the fun out of it, why doncha?" said Tamamo, wrapping herself around Hakuno's arm. "This will be so much fun, Goshujin-sama."

"So what do we do now?" he asked.

"I doubt asking the same question again will do any good," Julius answered from the computer screen.

They all hung around in silence.

"Hmm. Anyone want to play _Settlers of Catan_ ," Hakuno suggested, holding up a box.

Hey! Put that down! You tore open the universe; you don't get to touch my stash of tabletop games!" he shrank back, "I… I'm sorry. I just… I really have no idea what we can possibly do about this. I'm stumped. It's very upsetting to me."

More silence.

But oddly enough, no one was glaring at Doctor Roman.

"Okay, I'm in," said Rin.

"Sure, why not," nodded Tamamo.

There was a round of agreements.

Well, that was settled pretty easily...

Just outside the room, Shiki, who had returned with a bottle of water almost a full five minutes earlier, watched the scene unfold, nonplussed.

She placed the water in the doorway and turned around.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she said to nobody. "I didn't see a thing." Then she walked away. If they weren't going to fix this, who was she to get in their way?

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I'm back on Beast's Lair, but I should probably post my stuff here anyway. FanFiction dot Net is a cesspool of sadness, misery, and of course, hundreds of thousands of terrible fanfictions, so as a guy who feels like he might be half decent at writing stories with characters as they are meant to be written, I am setting up shop here again.
> 
> I might have been a little too mean to Romani here, what with making all his worst case scenarios appear to nearly come true multiple times. He may have ended up behaving a bit too erratically. I really hope I did Tamamo justice. I think I did, at the very least. I've got two more Tamamo stories in the works: In one, she, Nero and Altera team up in Chaldea to foil a dastardly plot by Archimedes after he gets summoned by Ritsuka. All I'll say is that while he proves himself to be a pretentious morally bankrupt asshole, they will nevertheless be sorely disappointed.
> 
> The other takes place shortly before the Temple of Time, and Caster wants to submit a résumé to the writing staff working on Grand Order, to have herself-at-her most-demonic be the villain of a possible next Order, but doesn't really know how to go about doing it. So she naturally enlists the help of King Solomon while she still has the opportunity.
> 
> I'll be working on those presently.
> 
> Edit: The fic with the résumé was a total mess, and has been scrapped. The fic with Archimedes is on the backburner. Rest assured though, I promise this will not be the last you see of Tamamo in my writing.


End file.
